So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
