He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
