Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
