Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
