beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
