new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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