Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
