Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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