Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
