My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
