My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
