Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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