i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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