don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
