Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
