I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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