All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i came on her dog
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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