i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
