He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
