I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
