i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
