She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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