Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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