Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
