I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
