Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
