We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
