My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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