flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
