When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
