I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
