I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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