Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
