I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
