Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
