Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
