she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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