When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
