I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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