Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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