I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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