I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
