I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
