theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
