Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
