I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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