i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
