I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
