What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
