Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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