You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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