I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
