Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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