Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
