Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
