Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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