I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
