Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
