There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
