My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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