When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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