She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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