Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize