Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
